Friday, February 19, 2016

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again

If you haven't heard the song "Tell your heart to beat again" by Danny Gokey, you really need to check it out. I wish I'd heard this song last year. It would've really helped me through my miscarriage & the aftermath. This song is so perfect! 

If you're struggling with pain, just remember "yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore." So true. So powerful! 

Here are the lyrics & video. If you haven't heard it. If you're struggling through pain, I recommend you listen to this amazing song & really listen to the words. 

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again


Hope this song will bless you as much as it has me!

Preparing for an IUI

We're officially starting the journey for our IUI. Started Clomid last night. Ultrasound next week & start ovulation tracking next week. Then hopefully the next week we will do the IUI. This is all still so very scary. Reading about the process on the internet did not help. haha. I am excited to see if this works. I am praying this works. 

Just not understanding how this can all be happening when neither of us are even 30. I know plenty of people our age go through this but it just stinks when it happens to you. I always hear "but you have 2 kids & you didn't have any problems having them". That's not completely true. It took us almost a year to finally get pregnant with our little priss. 

Praying that next week they say everything is on track & we can get this going. :) 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

What's next?

A few weeks ago I found out that I will have to have an IUI done. This is crazy scary for me! I know a ton of people have had this done. It's just not something I had ever heard of. I have lots of researching to do in the next couple of weeks. This process will take place in the next few weeks. Completely nervous!! 

Trusting in the Lord! 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

February 8th

February 8th... Seems like a fairly insignificant day, right? Well February 8, 2015, I took a pregnancy test & it was positive. After trying to have another baby for so long, I was finally pregnant. Every emotion ran through me all at once. Panic. Excitement. Worry. Lots of worry. Something felt off about it. I don't know why. I just had a really strange feeling in my gut. I ignored it & just chalked it up to me being paranoid. (Little did I know, I would soon lose my pod)

Yesterday was filled with many emotions. Anxiety. Sadness. Hope. So much more. I'm a dates person. Dates stick out in my mind so it only made sense that yesterday would stand out. 

That's all for today. 

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Our Whirlwind

On our first date (August 2010), I knew I loved Jonathan. There was just something about him. Everyone thought I was crazy but I just knew. Within two weeks, we were already talking about marriage. About two weeks after that, we had started planning our future together. 

We got engaged (September 2010) & we both knew we wanted to try to have kids. We started trying immediately. (Yea, everyone thought we were crazy for that too.) We got married in November 2010.

We tried to get pregnant for several months. Finally I called my doctor & asked, "What can we do?" Finally, they found that I wasn't ovulating so they gave me Clomid in June 2011. Still not pregnant... 

Finally in August 2011, we found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I was extremely sick through the entire pregnancy. (Which I totally expected since I was so sick when Inwas pregnant with my son in 2006.) I spent a lot of time going to the doctor to make sure my being sick wasn't harming her. In May 2012, our sweet bug was born. 

Fast forward to 2014, I wanted to try to have another. We tried & tried. I started to get discouraged. My doctor didn't seem concerned. 

February 8th, 2015, I took a pregnancy test & it was positive. I was ecstatic but something just felt a little off. I went to see a new doctor who was absolutely amazing! 

A few weeks later, I miscarried at work. I was devastated. I felt like I had done something wrong. Like I was the cause of this. I spent a month crying daily. I still cry when I think about it.

I have a hard time when certain dates come up. I have a hard time when certain situations arise. Most of my family doesn't understand, which leads to lots of uncomfortable & miserable times. I've been told that I need to "just get over it" & "just move on". They don't understand that it's just not that easy. The date I would've been able to reveal the gender, my due date, holidays, all of those dates were all very difficult for me. There will be no birthdays for my baby. There will be nothing except an empty feeling that only I will feel. 

During all of this, my faith took a huge hit. I spent hours wondering what I'd done to deserve this. Why me? Why my baby? I'll never have the answers. 

We started the journey to try again. After months of nothing, we started having tests done & found that yet again I wasn't ovulating. 3 months of clomid & still not pregnant. Now we've found that it's a little bit of both of us having problems. This was a huge blow to me. 

I have embarked on a devotional journey to try to bring my faith back where it should be. At the end of the month, we will embark on a new journey to try to have another baby. 

Praying for peace & for God's hand to guide us!