Saturday, February 6, 2016

Our Whirlwind

On our first date (August 2010), I knew I loved Jonathan. There was just something about him. Everyone thought I was crazy but I just knew. Within two weeks, we were already talking about marriage. About two weeks after that, we had started planning our future together. 

We got engaged (September 2010) & we both knew we wanted to try to have kids. We started trying immediately. (Yea, everyone thought we were crazy for that too.) We got married in November 2010.

We tried to get pregnant for several months. Finally I called my doctor & asked, "What can we do?" Finally, they found that I wasn't ovulating so they gave me Clomid in June 2011. Still not pregnant... 

Finally in August 2011, we found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I was extremely sick through the entire pregnancy. (Which I totally expected since I was so sick when Inwas pregnant with my son in 2006.) I spent a lot of time going to the doctor to make sure my being sick wasn't harming her. In May 2012, our sweet bug was born. 

Fast forward to 2014, I wanted to try to have another. We tried & tried. I started to get discouraged. My doctor didn't seem concerned. 

February 8th, 2015, I took a pregnancy test & it was positive. I was ecstatic but something just felt a little off. I went to see a new doctor who was absolutely amazing! 

A few weeks later, I miscarried at work. I was devastated. I felt like I had done something wrong. Like I was the cause of this. I spent a month crying daily. I still cry when I think about it.

I have a hard time when certain dates come up. I have a hard time when certain situations arise. Most of my family doesn't understand, which leads to lots of uncomfortable & miserable times. I've been told that I need to "just get over it" & "just move on". They don't understand that it's just not that easy. The date I would've been able to reveal the gender, my due date, holidays, all of those dates were all very difficult for me. There will be no birthdays for my baby. There will be nothing except an empty feeling that only I will feel. 

During all of this, my faith took a huge hit. I spent hours wondering what I'd done to deserve this. Why me? Why my baby? I'll never have the answers. 

We started the journey to try again. After months of nothing, we started having tests done & found that yet again I wasn't ovulating. 3 months of clomid & still not pregnant. Now we've found that it's a little bit of both of us having problems. This was a huge blow to me. 

I have embarked on a devotional journey to try to bring my faith back where it should be. At the end of the month, we will embark on a new journey to try to have another baby. 

Praying for peace & for God's hand to guide us!

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